Exodus 16:1 Then they set out from Elim, and all the congregation of the sons of Israel came to the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after their departure from the land of Egypt. 2 The whole congregation of the sons of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness. 3 The sons of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the LORD’S hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full ; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” 4 Then the LORD said to Moses, “Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a day’s portion every day, that I may test them, whether or not they will walk in My instruction. 5 “On the sixth day, when they prepare what they bring in, it will be twice as much as they gather daily.” 6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the sons of Israel, “At evening you will know that the LORD has brought you out of the land of Egypt ; 7 and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, for He hears your grumblings against the LORD; and what are we, that you grumble against us?

This story is familiar to anyone with a church background. Not only is it one of those ‘famous’ sunday school stories, it is referenced in the Lord’s Prayer. Looking at it again in the context of glory shows me some things afresh. I love that the Bible is a living book, and no matter how much I have read a passage the Lord can still use it to teach and instruct me.

The first new thing I noticed was that the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness of Sin. Why I don’t remember noticing that before, I don’t know. But what is so great about that line is what follows – “which is between Elim and Sinai”. Its not just a metaphor, but is actually a real place. I’m no Bible scholar, so I had to look up what happened in Elim and all the verses that reference it say that it is a place of lots of water, an oasis with twelve wells of water and seventy palm trees (Exodus 15:27). And we know that Sinai is the all important place where God descended and gave Moses the Ten Commandments. What is interesting is that the line “between Elim and Sinai” isn’t just a physical reference, but a time reference. They are in Elim and its many waters first, then the wilderness of Sin, then the (still) wilderness of Sinai at the foot of the mountain, where God descended and gave them the clearest instruction a people has ever been given. This wilderness of Sin (metaphorically) is a place that doesn’t have water, doesn’t have bread, doesn’t have instruction and so therefore the Israelites conclude it doesn’t have God.

Would that we had died by the LORD’S hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full ; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.

The Israelites are complaining to Moses and blaming him for all their troubles. When they were in Egypt, they knew that even if they died it would have been by the ‘Lord’s hand’, but here in the wilderness of sin they say that it is Moses who is in control and brought them here to die of hunger, not the Lord. They see no God in their lives and have begun to waver on his sovereignty because, after all, why would God put them here? They had just been super-miraculously delivered out of Egypt and for what? Do die of hunger in the desert? It didn’t make sense.

We have ALL been in this place of the wilderness of Sin. I am still there as I type. Its hard to see God’s sovereignty. You long for the time where you were ignorant to trouble and prefer the previous trouble rather than the current trouble. You see someone or something else as to blame for the circumstances that you find yourself in.

So what is the cure?

The Lord tells Moses that he will provide this small thing that the people are grumbling about – food. But, as God usually does things, this food is on his terms and those terms must be obeyed because he wants to teach the Israelites what it means to obey the Lord. What would you do if you were literally starving to death and suddenly you had a field of bread in front of you? Wouldn’t you not only eat your fill but gather food for the entire day so that you would never go hungry again? What if you were a husband and father of ten and were the sole provider? Would you not toil long into the moonlight, filling every container you had to provide for your family?

But the Lord wants to keep things in check. Why? What is wrong with storing for a rainy day? What is wrong with providing for the long-term needs of your family? Unfortunately, these seemingly innocent desires can breed greed and a sinful self-sufficiency. In the first case, you become hateful towards others because they are storing up food that you yourself could be storing, and life becomes a battle to gather. Community and relationships are shattered. In the latter, the man who becomes self-sufficient gets just what he sought after – a life of no longer depending upon the Lord to provide, who becomes enslaved to the circumstances of the moment.

6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the sons of Israel, “At evening you will know that the LORD has brought you out of the land of Egypt ; 7 and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, for He hears your grumblings against the LORD; and what are we, that you grumble against us?

So it is here, in his all-knowing wisdom, that he shows his glory to us. He shows his glory by hearing our grumblings, even if they are directed to the wrong person. He shows his glory by showing his people that he is sovereign. And he shows his glory by providing for our needs – not on our terms, but on his.

Genesis 49:1 Then Jacob summoned his sons and said, “Assemble yourselves that I may tell you what will befall you in the days to come. 2 “Gather together and hear, O sons of Jacob ; And listen to Israel your father. 3 “Reuben, you are my firstborn ; My might and the beginning of my strength, Preeminent in dignity and preeminent in power. 4 “Uncontrolled as water, you shall not have preeminence, Because you went up to your father’s bed ; Then you defiled it -he went up to my couch. 5 “Simeon and Levi are brothers ; Their swords are implements of violence. 6 “Let my soul not enter into their council ; Let not my glory be united with their assembly ; Because in their anger they slew men, And in their self-will they lamed oxen. 7 “Cursed be their anger, for it is fierce ; And their wrath, for it is cruel. I will disperse them in Jacob, And scatter them in Israel.

This is Jacob speaking to his sons, which is the lineage of Jesus Christ and the people through whom God connected to the world in the Old Testament. Words are not placed in the Bible haphazardly, so it seems logical that Jacob’s sentiments towards his sons here are divinely inspired and would be an echo of God’s sentiments towards his people. So what happens when the one speaking here is not Jacob, but God, the true father of mankind?

Hmm. “Let not my glory be united with their assembly.” The first thing this shows me is that God’s glory CAN be united with our assembly. Its a possibility. The assembly is clearly the church, and it seems that there are things we can do, perhaps ways we can act and mindsets we can have, in which God would unite his glory with us. Why would he do that? My assumption is that so his glory can be seen by believers and unbelievers alike. A person who is part of the kingdom of God can often see God’s glory everywhere. But sometimes our eyes are clouded by sin, or the wilderness that surrounds us causes everything to be dark. In those times, our minds forget the goodness of God and his glory is hard to find, though it is what we need the most. In those times, we should cling to the church. We are sick, and need more God. Just like when we are physically sick, we need to grab on to anything that makes us better – orange juice, chicken soup, emergen-C, gatorade, anything that gives our body the nutrients it needs to fight off the illness. Since it is God within us that battles the darkness in our lives, since it is God who joins with us to conquer and overtake sin, when our defenses are down we need more and more and more and more God. Not that there is a time that we need less God, but it is at these times of heartache and battle that we are so acutely aware of our great need for God and for our salvation. Naturally, it is at those times that our flesh causes him to be hard to find. Praise God that he joins his glory with the assembled church, so that those who are having trouble seeing his glory otherwise may partake.

But the verse says “Let not my glory be united with their assembly.” Why not? Here Jacob is prophesying over his twelve sons, the twelve tribes of Israel. I have become a fan of the Matthew Henry commentary and these are some snippets of what he says about the prophecies:

Jacob is here upon his death-bed, making his will. He put it off till now, because dying men’s words are apt to make deep impressions, and to be remembered long: what he said here, he could not say when he would, but as the Spirit gave him utterance, who chose this time, that divine strength might be perfected in his weakness. The twelve sons of Jacob were, in their day, men of renown, but the twelve tribes of Israel, which descended and were denominated from them, were much more renowned…In the prospect of this their dying father says something remarkable of each son, or of the tribe that bore his name

So how come Jacob prophesied that his glory would not be joined with Simeon and Levi? Because of their sinful anger. This sinful anger (note that it is not just anger, but sinful anger) drove them to fiercely and cruelly slay men and lame oxen. Nothing is said of these things being done in defense of something, and it implies that they did it simply for violence’s sake. For that reason, Jacob’s glory (which is God’s glory) will not be associated with them, and they will be separated from both each other and from the rest of the family.

So the lesson here? God chooses to associate his glory with his people (which is super cool), and these verses say that this will not happen if we indulge in sinful and violent anger. I think thats doable.

Therefore, in an effort to a) stop that and b) grow, I’ve decided to dwell instead of what it means to glorify God. The best cure for depression is to serve because it gets your mind off of yourself, so hopefully this follows in that same vein. The thought entered my mind to study this idea of glorifying God, and I learned that I couldn’t really give you a good answer on the practicalities of how that is done. It all seemed very abstract. “Give God the glory!” is said often, but how do you do that? Do you just say “I give you glory”? Perhaps. We shall see.

My plan is just run through a word study of ‘glory’ and all its versions and see what the Bible teaches me, and (hopefully) post those findings here.

Gwion smiled at him. “Ah, Sign-Seeker,” he said gently. “Long, long ago in the Lost Land, forgotten by all its people now, there was the beginning of that gold-linked chain of yours, iron and bronze and water and fire … And at the last, a craftsman of this land made the great sword Eirias for the Light.”

Bran said, tense, “Who made it?”

“It was made by one who was close to the Light,” Gwion said, “but who was neither a Lord of the Light nor one of the Old Ones – there were none such, bred in this land… He was the only one who had the skill to make so great a wonder. Even here, where many are skilled. A great craftsman, unparalleled.” He spoke with a slow reverence, shaking his head in wonder, remembering. “But the Riders of the Dark, they could roam freely through the land, since we had neither desire nor reason to keep any creature out – and when they heard that the Light had asked for the sword, they demanded that it should not be made. They knew, of course, that words already long written foretold the use of Eirias, once it was forged, for the vanquishing of the Dark.”

Will said, “What did he do, the craftsman?”

“He called together all the makers in the land,” Gwion said. He tilted his head a little higher. “All those who wrote or brought life to others’ words or music, or who made beautiful things. And he said to them, I have this work in me, I know it, that will be the peak of everything I can ever make or do, and the Dark is trying to forbid me to do it. We may all suffer, if I deny them their will, and I cannot therefore be responsible alone for deciding. Tell me. Tell me what I should do.”

Bran was gazing at him. “What did they say?”

“They said, You must make it.” Gwion smiled, proudly. “Without any exception. Make the sword, they said. So he went away into a place of his own, and made Eirias, and in a land of wonders it was the most wonderful and powerful thing that had ever been made. And the fury of the Dark was very great, but impotent, for the Dark Lords knew that they could neither destroy a work created for the Light, nor steal it, nor bring any… harm to its creator.”

He feel silent, gazing out at the misted horizon.

“Go on,” Bran said urgently. “Go on!”

Gwion sighed. “So the Dark did a simple thing,” he said. “They showed the maker of the sword his own uncertainty and fear. Fear of having done the wrong thing – fear that having done this one great thing, he would never again be able to accomplish anything of great worth – fear of age, of insufficiency, of unmet promise. All such endless fears, that are the doom of people given the gift of making, and lie always somewhere in their minds. And gradually, he was put into despair. Fear grew in him, and he escaped from it into lethargy – and so hope died, and a terrible paralyzing melancholy took its place. He is held by it now, he is held captive by his own mind. He, and the sword Eirias that he made, with him. Despair holds him prisoner, despair, the most terrible creation of all. For in great men, the mind can produce giant spectres of great power. And King Gwyddno is a great man.”

Design has always been a struggle for me. Ever since I applied to the architecture program at Texas A&M on a gut feeling I have felt like I didn’t belong, like I didn’t have the credentials to be there. Those feelings, of course, are simply excuses. Attacks, perhaps. And I thought I would get over it. Apparently it just gets harder.

I am sure that I am in the right professional. I’m in the right ball-park at least, since many people with architecture degrees end up doing something on the fringes, which would be fine with me. God has made me with the brain and the eye and the heart of a designer, who sees the world in her own unique and sometimes weird way, reveling in the beauty of rusted water towers of all things. Delighting in the relationship between who we are and where we are.

However, its still so hard. Ever since I finished my degree and moved back home to find a job, I would find myself procrastinating. I’d work on busy-work things (like researching firms) ignoring the fact that the meat of what I need to do is sitting untouched. When I finally got up to the task of looking at my past work again to put it into a portfolio form, I am greeted with a punch in the face. After convincing myself that my work isn’t nothing, metaphorically speaking, I learn that my past work IS nothing, literally. The last time I updated my external hard drive with my studio work, this past years work took the place of the last 5 years of work, instead of adding to it. Its all gone.

So after a day of freaking out and getting a hold of old classmates who I did projects with and wracking my brain to think of any where that I could recover anything about these projects, I think I’m calmed down a little.

But this is what really sucks: “We imagine we would be all right if a big crisis arose; but the big crises will only reveal the stuff we are made of, it will not put anything into us. ‘If God gives the call, of course I will rise to the occasion.’ You will not unless you have been the real thing before God there. If you are not doing the thing that lies nearest, because God has engineered it, when the crisis comes instead of being revealed as fit, you will be revealed as unfit. Crises always reveal character.” (from Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for His Highest”, on the day of my crisis)

I was despondent. I felt helpless. I felt alone. I felt like something inside of me was ripped out (Sorry, I know I said I would try to not be melodramatic, but thats what I felt). I felt lost. I felt invalidated as a person.

I was unfit. Truth hurts. Good gravy, I need Jesus.

I need to (finally) get it that its not my strength that will lead me to a job or any sort of design-related success, but his strength. And boy do I need it right now, because Satan has come out swinging. But praise God that he never leaves us. And praise God for a godly man who patiently reminds me of that when all I can do is wallow.

It seems a good time in my life to jump start one of these things: I’ve recently graduated from grad school but am still taking a class; I just moved into a new apartment but I have not moved back home to Texas yet; I’m dating a wonderful man but its still long-distance. My life continues to be one of “not really yet” and “second times a charm”. We will see how it goes.

Hopefully I will be able to keep posting through the exciting changes that happen and be able to share my photography with you all. Keep your fingers crossed.